Self-Assessment: Coping with Divorce

As you’re figuring out your way after the divorce, you may hear a lot of opinions on how the process should look. Let’s bust some of those myths. a) “You should be over it by” now”—being “over” a divorce is not a straightforward, time-bound process; it looks different for everyone.b) “Finding someone new will fix everything”—while” a new relationship can offer some comfort and distraction, it cannot be a replacement for your inner work. True healing comes from recognizing your own patterns, emotional tendencies, and boundaries and dealing with them in a healthy manner.c) “If you’re staying busy, it means you’re” fine”—work and other obligations can be wonderful distractions while giving you the sense of achievement. However, they should not be used to delay the emotional work of processing the divorce.d) “You should be angry at your ex-spouse”—while” anger is a natural emotion that would follow a divorce, it is not the only one. You might feel a mix of emotions of anger, grief, self-pity, sadness, regret, etc. You don’t need to feel angry at your ex-spouse in order to heal from divorce.

There is no fixed timeline for recovering from a divorce. Everyone’s experience is unique to their situation—the length of marriage, nature of relationship, reason for divorce, financial and other practical repercussions, available support, and your coping strategies. Moreover, many of the phases of emotional recovery—of grief, anger, and loneliness—may come back. Although the process may seem unclear, you can use regular self-check-ins to track your progress. Not in terms of how much time has passed—but how you’re feeling and functioning.

Distraction becomes avoidance when it stops being a short break and starts becoming your main way of coping. Avoidance means that every time you come across a difficult emotion or thought, you distract yourself. Unhealthy indulgence shows up when long-term avoidance results in you ignoring your responsibilities, masking your emotions, or relying on unhealthy habits like drinking, smoking, overeating, etc.

Healing is never a linear process. Therefore, moving on does not mean that you don’t feel any grief, sadness, or anger about the divorce—it means that these emotions do not overpower your rationality, influence your decisions, affect your day-to-day functionality, or taint your perspective about love or life. Of course, you can get to this place only after processing your emotions and not by simply sweeping them under the carpet.

It’s important to ensure that you’re drawing support from your social network in your time of need. Willing members of your social groups—family, friends, colleagues, and neighbors—all can help you through this difficult time. Some of this support can be practical: taking care of legal proceedings, helping with household responsibilities, looking after your children, etc. Emotional support is equally important—providing a listening ear, space to process your emotions, and letting you know that they are there for you. You can even go beyond traditional social networks and seek support through online forums, support groups, etc. The key factor is to recognize where you need support and be open to asking for help.