Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. What matters is not whether conflict happens; rather, it is the way couples approach, navigate, and resolve conflicts that makes all the difference between growing stronger as a couple or drifting apart.
Psychologist Zinnia Bharucha, with over a decade of experience working with individuals and couples, both in India and internationally, shares her insights on the various sources of conflict a couple may experience and how to navigate them in a way that is respectful to both you and your partner.
Why Do Couples Fight?
According to Zinnia, most conflicts arise from a lack of communication. Partners often don’t realise how different they are from each other – different upbringing, different ways of processing information, different communication styles, and different coping mechanisms. As individuals, we all govern differently, and each of us has a unique style of functioning.
❝ When two people come together as a couple, they are obviously not aware of those patterns or those ways of functioning, which is why one person tends to
process information very differently from the other person, and that's why a lot of what you want to communicate (to your partner) gets lost. ❞
Effective communication – or miscommunication – often ends up setting the tone for whether couples resolve or escalate conflicts.
Starting Difficult Conversations
Disagreements around money, intimacy, or in-laws are inevitable, which is why it can feel intimidating to bring up these topics without sparking an argument. Zinnia emphasises the importance of understanding your partner’s communication style and patterns. Recognising your partner’s patterns (do they withdraw? Or shut down? Or become defensive?) can help
❝ And after you have identified their communication style and pattern, you can go ahead and approach your partner - ‘Hey listen, we need to talk about some really important things.’ ❞
Common Unhealthy Patterns
Many couples fall into unhealthy fight patterns repeatedly. Zinnia describes this as a dance that is neither enjoyable nor productive.
Some of the most common patterns she shed light on were:
Some of the most common patterns she shed light onto were:
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Stonewalling - When one partner tends to withdraw from the conversation and shut down. They don't allow their partner (whether intentionally or otherwise) to communicate, to go ahead and put forward their points. They stop any sort of communication. This usually happens because that is how the majority of us have learned to cope with (as a child or as a teenager), we have seen this amongst our parents as well as our friends. When we have gone and done things outside society norms, the easiest way to get us that sort of punishment is the silent treatment, which is just another form of stonewalling. So it comes very naturally to a majority of us as individuals, and we think that we’re helping our partner out, we think “Oh, by giving them the silent treatment, they're going to learn and they're not going to go ahead and do this”, but that is not the case. It just makes your partner feel resentful, it builds a sort of an inferiority complex in your partner, and it stops your partner from feeling confident in expressing themselves.
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Blame Game - Pointing fingers to escape guilt or accountability. One reason they may use this is because they don't know any better. Because they don't want to usually – subconsciously – feel that blame on themselves. They don't want to feel that guilt on themselves, which is why they try to point fingers at each other so they can escape from that.
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Revisiting the Past - Bringing up old issues that are no longer relevant to the present.
❝ For example, ‘Remember what you did 5 years back?’, but is that truly relevant now? Is that making any sense now? Do you need to bring that up?
Because every time you do bring that, it adds onto that sense of conflict that you’re already feeling with your partner. ❞
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Withholding Intimacy - Using emotional or physical distance as punishment. Zinnia shares how a lot of partners do this because they think they're correcting their partner, that they're encouraging their partner to do better, and to understand. But it's usually not the case. You withhold from physical intimacy or you withhold from mental and emotional intimacy, feeling like you're doing a good deed, but again, it builds so much resentment and frustration, and it's an additional factor to all that you're already feeling.
These patterns are usually instinctual and we may not even be aware of engaging in them, but they often worsen the conflict, increasing disconnection.
Breaking the Cycle
To break out of this cycle of unhealthy fight patterns, Zinnia recommends practicing open-ended conversations, where the goal is not to be ‘right’ or ‘win’ in an argument, but to be heard and understood. We want to shift the tone of the conversation from blame and accusation to sharing of feelings.
Open-ended conversations use a lot of ‘I statements’ and can help create safety in your conversations while also making your partner more open and receptive to what you have to say.
Zinnia shared an instance from how she practices this with her clients. If a couple is constantly fighting and they're placing the blame on each other, she lets them do so for a bit, so that she can understand how they're operating, and then instead of encouraging them to keep continuing, she encourages them to start taking more responsibility by using “I” statements.
❝ This can sound like, ‘Oh my god, you did not pick up groceries yesterday’ or, ‘Oh my god, you were not on time the day before’ to ‘I feel extremely burdened if I
also have to add picking up groceries to my chores at the last minute’ or ‘I feel uncomfortable when we are late’. So, we’re essentially saying the same thing but in a different way so our partner doesn't feel blamed or like they're being accused. We are saying it in a way that makes our partner feel open enough to take suggestions from us. ❞
On the other hand, if we blame our partner, they are going to feel criticised leading them to shut down or become defensive, and not listen to what we have to say.
Normal Arguments vs Red Flags
Every couple argues; it's a part of being human, after all. Some conflict can even be a sign of a healthy relationship. This brings us to the question – when does conflict move from ‘normal’ to something that may be a sign of a toxic relationship?
Zinnia identities two key points for this – Frequency and Intensity.
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Frequency: How frequent are the arguments – are they happening occasionally (once every week or once every two weeks) or are they happening every day, maybe even multiple times in a day?
❝ As human beings, we are going to fight about the same things. We are going to fight about money, we are going to fight about feeling possessive, we are going to fight about property – it’s the same thing. It matters how you fight for it, and what the frequency is like. ❞
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Intensity: How intense is the conversation? Can your arguments be resolved within a few hours or do they tend to escalate to stonewalling or blaming each other?
❝ Can you go ahead and have that conversation in a harmonious way? Can you wrap it up in 30-45 mins? Or do you have full blown conversations like for 2-3 hours, where the partners are screaming at each other or one of them is stonewalling or there is absolute chaos. ❞
Here’s What To Do To Reduce Conflict
Zinnia leaves us with two actionable tips that couples can start using right away –
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Spending Time Together: Even spending 5-10 minutes with each other every day without any distractions can build a stronger connection.
❝ In today’s world where everything is so fast paced, we are all struggling for time so if we can just give that to our partner, can change the entire narrative. Sitting down with them if you can physically do that or connecting via phone calls or video if you're in a long distance relationship, and just talking to them without conflict -– talking about day to day stuff, including gratitude for them and your relationship — puts you and your partner in a great space. ❞
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Valuing and Respecting Each Other: Expressing appreciation and respect for your partner regularly (both verbally and through your actions) helps build trust, and thus making it easier to navigate feedback and disagreements without defensiveness.
❝ Another important and crucial aspect is showcasing how much you value your partner – how much you respect and care for them. Depending on your partner, depending on your and your partner’s upbringing, depending on your culture, you can display this through verbal ways as well as non verbal gestures. And again, the more you do that, the more open it helps your partner feel so when you do actually have feedback to give them, they're not going to shut down (nor are they) going to be defensive. They are going to know that you come from a place of harmony and wanting the best. ❞
Conflict and arguments are not to be feared in a relationship. They are opportunities to grow closer, as long as they're approached with respect and openness. As Zinnia has reminded us, the foundation of conflict resolution is how we argue and then repair.
More about Zinnia Bharucha:
Zinnia Bharucha, Counselling Psychologist | MSc in Mental Health from King's College London | 10+ years of experience
